Rural Guide to Technology

MONITOR: Keeping an eye on the wood fire.

LOG ON: Making a wood fire hotter.

LOG OFF: When you’ve made the fire too hot.

WINDOWS: What you open when you’ve made the fire much too hot or smoky.

UPLOAD: Putting the firewood onto the truck.

DOWNLOAD: Getting the firewood off the truck.

FLOPPY DISC: A back pain incurred getting too much firewood off the truck in one go.

COMPACT DISK : Jumping of the truck from to high.

RAM: When you accidentally drive the truck into the pond.

HARD DRIVE: Getting the truck out of the pond again

MEGA HERTZ:  Hitting your thumb with a hammer

DIGITAL: Still got all your own fingers.

SCANNER: Checking out the local talent.

BYTE: What fish do.

CHIPS: Come with fish.

MICRO CHIPS: Come with small fish

MODEM: What you did to lawns.

DOT MATRIX: Mrs. Matrix to you.

LAP TOP: Where the dog likes to be.

KEYBOARD: Where you hang your keys.

SOFTWARE: Cashmere jumpers.

HARDWARE: Wellies with steel toe caps

MAINFRAME: Holds up the barn roof.

PORT: Where ships berth

ENTER & RETURN: Posh ways of saying "come in" and "come back"

RANDOM ACCESS MEMORY: When your wife forgets how much the shopping cost.

READ ONLY MEMORY: You can't teach an old dog new tricks.

If we have omitted any, please send them to rgt@stuartinns.com